Tuesday, February 3, 2009
family, Florida, and how hard it is to come home again
Diego and I went to visit my family in Florida this past week. It was a long, grueling and exhausting trip across the country (sure it was a plane, but two plane flights, one layover, and one bouncy toddler? Oi vey). We were very lucky to be surrounded by lovely people who happened to fall in love with said bouncy toddler and played with him the entire trip there. For some reason Diego loves sitting next to strangers on planes. He'll reach out for them, hold their hands, play games, peek-a-boo, anything and everything that he doesn't really do in any other situation. Odd but wonderful.
I miss being in a house with lots of people. There's the ever present noise, bustle, aromas and food or coffee being served. There are people watering plants, cooking, or just sitting around watching telenovelas. I grew up in a house filled with people, cousins and Tias and Tios coming and going, eating and talking. I love the quiet, sure, but I miss the noise sometimes.
Coming home was hard. I hate saying good-bye to my Mom, not knowing when I'll see her again. Good-byes to everyone else was also rushed since we were late getting up and out the door. Didn't feel right. The entire plane ride home I kept thinking about how nice it was to have family around, for me and especially for Diego. I kept thinking about how much I haven't enjoyed Orange County. More than that, I hate how lonely and out of place I've felt living here. How people still come up to me and Diego and ask if I speak English and if he's my son. It's been hard for me to find that community I yearn for and I feel like a complete idiot sometimes, falling over myself for friendship with Moms I meet. But I've realized I can't live here and hate it here at the same time.
I need a change in perspective. My goal this year is to really make a home for myself here. Breaking it down to micro-movements with tiny goals each month. This month my goal is to make my little apartment more of a home and less of a place we happen to live in. Starting with the patio. There are big and little plans ahead. So that's what I've learned, I guess. Or something like that.