Saturday, December 27, 2008

my two lives

(from bo bee sah a few days ago:)

I feel like I've been living two different lives. In my morning life, I wake up to D patting my nose or pushing books into my hands or on my head if I'm not paying enough attention, the little snot. We wake up and change the poop alarm of a diaper, stretch and move into the kitchen to make breakfast. The day goes on, the sun rises, there are naps and books and running and snacks and more books and then D's day winds down.

And then my second life begins. With D asleep I can eat, if I haven't before, and start the homework I would rather ignore. I have been up until one or two in the morning for weeks now and it's so common that I can't seem to sleep any time before. It's tempting to stay up now that my paper is finished, if only to get some things done. Things like reading. How lovely. I suppose I should stow away that second life now that my paper is finished, if only for the holidays. But one in the morning is so crisp, so empty, so quiet.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


I'm FINALLY finished with my paper! Now all I have to do is finish the laundry, pack our bags, and a bag of toys for the absolutely crazy bundle of chaos that may or may not be my baby D. He's much too blurry to really find out. We're off to Texas today! I'm already tired!!

Happy holidays everyone!

Does it feel like Christmas to any of you? It's still Christmas Eve for me, but already this holiday season feels smaller than others in years past. Like we're still waiting for the boisterous holiday season to begin. Maybe it's the calm before the traveling storm.

Our plans! We'll be going down to Texas tomorrow (today?) for a small vacation with Jim's family and then some time in our old home, Austin, to visit friends and places. I'm especially excited to see Court from Kaiya's Laughter Heals! We haven't seen each other in years and she has never met D so this should be a great time for us to get together. There will be pictures up when we get back home.

Here's a happy holidays to you and yours! May you find yourself near your heart's joys this holiday season.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

busy busy busy

If you don't hear from me in a week, please send search dogs, gorgeous firefighters, a basket of kittens, and some brownies. I have this huge paper I have to research and write. Am a huge nerd, as made obvious by the fact that I actually felt giddy for my time away yesterday to run around the library, pulling books off the shelves, taking notes and making blurry black and white copies. Am coming to some bad conclusions about the race situation here in Orange County, but shall push on before jumping on them.

ps. If I had time I would write about how D hurt his finger when I was away, giddy and studying away at the library, and then, according to Jim, walked around the apartment looking for me and then fell asleep. I would also write about how, upon awakening, he looked up and saw me and then looked down and touched his finger and then showed it to me. I kissed it and we talked about what had happened. That was all. Fingers all better now.

Monday, December 8, 2008

sleep, if only once

Nothing was different about last Sunday. It wasn't extraordinary or life-changing, it was a simple day spent with Jim and D, but it is still a day I want to remember forever. I woke up and felt a little stuffed and sore so I claimed that I had the Plague and laid down on the couch. It was the truth, too, I felt horrible. Jim warmed up a bowl of soup and a cup of chamomile tea and pampered me, even let me watch "Eloise at Christmastime" with Julie Andrews. (Which was adorable. She's a sassy one, that Eloise.)...(And can I say that I adore Christmas TV movies? Oh, I do. Especially when lazing around on the couch feeling horrible.)

There are a few moments I want to just cut out and memorize, hang on the wall in my mind and enshrine or just dust off the cobwebs so they shine more brightly than other memories. Watching Jim as he lifted Diego in one arm and carried him into the kitchen to make me some soup was one of them. It was something he was saying to D, explaining the complexities of cans or soup or winter weather, I don't know. Maybe it was the pampering. Or the honey toast he made. (Yum) Everything about that moment made me love him that much more.

The happiness continued, too, that night. We put Diego to bed, as usual, and he woke up around 9, as usual, and then fell back to sleep a few minutes after. And then...he slept through the night. The ENTIRE night. He's never done that before and I don't expect him to do that again until he's 16. But it was a glorious, sleepy, surprising holiday gift. And that's what I think it was, a gift to me. To both of us. Sleep. He knew exactly what I wanted!

I love my boys.

Friday, December 5, 2008

hard days and nights

D is sick. Again. Or is it still? In any case I keep thinking he's getting better and then I get excited and start planning things-like going outside! getting together with little baby buddies! getting together with grown up buddies! But then he goes back down and it's worse again.

This rollercoaster of well, not well, sick, better, ugh is not fun. And I've been struggling to get things done around the house when he's been extra clingy, teething, and just not feeling well. Which makes me feel flustered and just horrible because, geez, when was the last time we opened the hall closet and took OUT the vacuum instead of stood there and talked about how were weren't even going to TOUCH it because Diego starts to freak out and go "Ah! Ack!" while pointing at the thing with a look of fear on his tiny, little face? But, I digress.

He's also never been a good sleeper, add a cough and runny nose and teething and a possible growth AND mental spurt? And you have one sleepy Momma. But Jim's been more than fabulous and has been trading nights off with me. Not that it really matters since I've been up until 1 most nights this week just trying to get homework done for school. (Online school to get my teacher's cert.)

I was thinking about all of the above and started to get really frustrated with myself and all the FAILing. He's sick. No sleep. Messy house. Behind on homework. The tiiiiiiiiiired.

And then, and I don't know when or where, there wasn't a big shaft of light from the heavens above or birds talking to me in rhyme, but I figured out something very important. I can't control everything. Not his immune system. Help it along, yes, and I do. A messy house? It happens. We'll vacuum Saturday. Or Jim will while I take D for a walk so he won't see it at all. Homework is getting done, scheduled out, and I will get it done. I don't have to do this alone. Or right this instant. And the most important thing of all? A bad morning does not make a bad afternoon. Minutes by minute, that's how fast I have to go.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

online quizes are scary

There are so many better things that I could be clicking here to give the opportunity for a free mammogram to some lucky woman in the world. (It's free and for a great cause so go and click already.) But what am I doing? Online quizzes... And why am I posting this? Because it is EERILY and COMPLETELY CORRECT. Just ask Court over at Kaiya's Laughter Heals. I'm kind of reeling from the thought that two questions and some quiz writer totally pinned me down. How dare they?! But...I'm Audrey...that's cool.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!


You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"

Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

  • * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure

  • * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this

  • * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit

  • * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally

  • * Ask me questions to help me get clear

  • * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery

  • * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings

  • * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation

  • * Let me know you like what I've done or said

  • * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life

What I Like About Being an Audrey

  • * being nonjudgmental and accepting

  • * caring for and being concerned about others

  • * being able to relax and have a good time

  • * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

  • * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

  • * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

  • * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being an Audrey

  • * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

  • * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

  • * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

  • * being confused about what I really want

  • * caring too much about what others will think of me

  • * not being listened to or taken seriously

Audreys as Children Often

  • * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

  • * tune out a lot, especially when others argue

  • * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Audreys as Parents

  • * are supportive, kind, and warm

  • * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz
at HelloQuizzy