family, Florida, and how hard it is to come home again

(@ Ft. Lauderdale Beach)

Diego and I went to visit my family in Florida this past week. It was a long, grueling and exhausting trip across the country (sure it was a plane, but two plane flights, one layover, and one bouncy toddler? Oi vey). We were very lucky to be surrounded by lovely people who happened to fall in love with said bouncy toddler and played with him the entire trip there. For some reason Diego loves sitting next to strangers on planes. He'll reach out for them, hold their hands, play games, peek-a-boo, anything and everything that he doesn't really do in any other situation. Odd but wonderful.

Being with family was also fantastic. They fed me rosquitas and empanadas and platanos fritos and arroz chaufa and my mom even made her famous spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh Yum. And it's not just the food. (Really!) We all just had a great time together. I heard stories that I'd never heard before and we all laughed every time we put Diego down to eat. He just kept cracking himself up and laughing for almost no reason, which made us happy. They also have this beautiful patio out back which Diego just loved, so everyone had the chance to help him water the plants.

(pictures above from the Butterfly Garden)

I miss being in a house with lots of people. There's the ever present noise, bustle, aromas and food or coffee being served. There are people watering plants, cooking, or just sitting around watching telenovelas. I grew up in a house filled with people, cousins and Tias and Tios coming and going, eating and talking. I love the quiet, sure, but I miss the noise sometimes.

Coming home was hard. I hate saying good-bye to my Mom, not knowing when I'll see her again. Good-byes to everyone else was also rushed since we were late getting up and out the door. Didn't feel right. The entire plane ride home I kept thinking about how nice it was to have family around, for me and especially for Diego. I kept thinking about how much I haven't enjoyed Orange County. More than that, I hate how lonely and out of place I've felt living here. How people still come up to me and Diego and ask if I speak English and if he's my son. It's been hard for me to find that community I yearn for and I feel like a complete idiot sometimes, falling over myself for friendship with Moms I meet. But I've realized I can't live here and hate it here at the same time.

I need a change in perspective. My goal this year is to really make a home for myself here. Breaking it down to micro-movements with tiny goals each month. This month my goal is to make my little apartment more of a home and less of a place we happen to live in. Starting with the patio. There are big and little plans ahead. So that's what I've learned, I guess. Or something like that.

hard days and nights

D is sick. Again. Or is it still? In any case I keep thinking he's getting better and then I get excited and start planning things-like going outside! getting together with little baby buddies! getting together with grown up buddies! But then he goes back down and it's worse again.

This rollercoaster of well, not well, sick, better, ugh is not fun. And I've been struggling to get things done around the house when he's been extra clingy, teething, and just not feeling well. Which makes me feel flustered and just horrible because, geez, when was the last time we opened the hall closet and took OUT the vacuum instead of stood there and talked about how were weren't even going to TOUCH it because Diego starts to freak out and go "Ah! Ack!" while pointing at the thing with a look of fear on his tiny, little face? But, I digress.

He's also never been a good sleeper, add a cough and runny nose and teething and a possible growth AND mental spurt? And you have one sleepy Momma. But Jim's been more than fabulous and has been trading nights off with me. Not that it really matters since I've been up until 1 most nights this week just trying to get homework done for school. (Online school to get my teacher's cert.)

I was thinking about all of the above and started to get really frustrated with myself and all the FAILing. He's sick. No sleep. Messy house. Behind on homework. The tiiiiiiiiiired.

And then, and I don't know when or where, there wasn't a big shaft of light from the heavens above or birds talking to me in rhyme, but I figured out something very important. I can't control everything. Not his immune system. Help it along, yes, and I do. A messy house? It happens. We'll vacuum Saturday. Or Jim will while I take D for a walk so he won't see it at all. Homework is getting done, scheduled out, and I will get it done. I don't have to do this alone. Or right this instant. And the most important thing of all? A bad morning does not make a bad afternoon. Minutes by minute, that's how fast I have to go.